Several years ago while I walked a mall, an old man implored me to, “Smile.”
My ever-behaving inner child responded at his command, making the corners of my mouth turn up. At that moment I realized my sad pathetic life was in plain sight for all to see.
Though I took great steps to conceal the pain, mistakes and horrendous abuses that made up my existence, all anyone needed to do was peer at my face, gaze into my eyes. This gentleman couldn’t comprehend the actual web of horrors that entangled me.
Unwanted, neglected, and abandoned by my mother and father. At 16, as my parents divorced and married people whom I had never before met, my newly introduced stepfather’s actions cast me to the winds. Forced to find a place to live, a friend’s family took me in, but the father happened to be a pedophile. Oh, not so lucky me.
Yet, a roof covered my head, and I didn’t need to resort to life on the streets. The lack of love, support, and care combined to create one insecure, lonely girl whose self-esteem lingered on the bottom of a toilet bowl.
Before residing with the child molester at age 16, at 13, a boy, also 13 asked me to kiss him. Well wow, and thus began our 17-year relationship.
We married at 19, and were blessed first with a handsome son then 4 ½ years later a gorgeous daughter. From all appearances, this young family appeared ideal, but we were not.
My husband, the consummate workaholic, was unreachable. Every few months, I begged, cried, and attempted to reason with him, explained his kids and me, his wife, needed him. Alas, his work took priority.
Dissatisfied, disgruntled and stricken with abandonment once more, I fell into a severe depression. A new problem surfaced, insomnia and middle of the night pacing throughout the house.
The idea the situation would remain out of my control, and no matter how hard I tried to make him understand, nothing would change, sent me hurling into an abyss of isolation.
Then, a stranger appeared at precisely the wrong moment. In my confusion and bewilderment, I believed him to be my knight in eye-squinting armor.
The one person who adored and needed me like no other. Call me blind and crazy, as this was no brilliant crusader coming to my rescue. The man saw and conquered with such swiftness, all who thought they understood me felt confident the sorcerer had hypnotized me.
In reality, I was desperate, lost, and ripe for the picking. My need to be loved, needed, desired, and validated, became his direct entrance to my heart. Several devastating choices later, I found myself drowning in a 20-year long nightmare of domestic violence.
The fact I’m alive is itself amazing. That my person retained goodness, positivity, and humor, is nothing short of a miracle.
Smile? Though I fashioned myself into an expert concealer of hideous truths, the cloak of sadness and defeat was visible to anyone who took note.
I suspect the man who dared ask me to grin possessed a kind soul. In one brief moment, he recognized a person in need.
After escaping my personal hell, life turned for the better. A sense of self, peace, and happiness grew as surely as nurtured seeds become seedlings.
Now, I wear a happy face, and I don’t believe anyone would view me as someone who needs to be prompted to “Smile.”
😢😢😢… I love this… I love your story…
Are you familiar with Kirk Franklin…? There’s this somg he has called ‘smile’ “…you look so much better when you smile…”
LikeLiked by 4 people
Well, I never heard of Kirk Franklin, but I did a search, and found the song you referred to. Guess what. The song made me smile. And yes, a smile is a huge improvement upon one’s face.
Thank you for saying you “love” my story.
In April of this year, I published my first book, my autobiography. What a cathartic experience, but it is my hope to enlighten others through my journey.
Thanks again!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Bear with me, as I’m hopelessly lost on this site. I just now realized that I needed to “approve” comments, and replying is proving to be a problem for me. I’m uncertain if you received my response of 4 days ago. Argh!
LikeLiked by 2 people
😊 that’s completely okay… and you will get the hang of it…So far so good…
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hello Kenzie O’Hara,
Thank you for sharing your story of domestic abuse and accounts of your endurance and transcendence. I would like to express my appreciation of the significance of smile and your cultivation of a positive outlook with the following well-known song, as rendered by Glee:
Indeed, “May only good arise from the ashes” and may you rise like a phoenix!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m not certain about rising like a Phoenix, but I like the poetry of that idea.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi kedawithani,
Thank you for mentioning the song by Kirk Franklin. 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Everyone, thank you for your likes. I’m still unsure as to how I go about thanking my readers for their likes. If you can help me, please do so. Thanks again!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Twenty years of domestic violence – that’s a looooooong time! So good to know you are able to smile again …:)
LikeLiked by 3 people
Laughing and smiling are good medicine.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you for guiding me through the WordPress haze.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Absolutely! 🙂 🙂 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
I thought you might be interested to read this:https://mariewilliams53.wordpress.com/2016/10/15/florence/
I do understand what you went through and my heart goes out to you.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hi Marie,
Thank you for lending your support to Kenzie O’Hara, who has also educated and resonated with other sufferers trapped in abusive relationships.
Hi Kenzie,
I left you earlier with the song by Charlie Chaplin. Here is another rendition of the song by the late Michael Jackson, with lyrics added:
My December smile for you. . . . 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I very much appreciate your music and support. Thank you again.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on ComeFlywithme and commented:
You are an inspiration in the way that you have turned your life around and you have not allowed your past (horrific as it was) to define who you are. I am smiling with you …
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thanks for reblogging, and glad you are smiling with me.
LikeLiked by 2 people
It was a pleasure – I’m always supportive of good causes.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Your story moved me. I love how you can truly smile again. Thank you for sharing 💕
LikeLiked by 2 people
The fact you feel moved thrills me, and I too am happy I can smile again. Thank you!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I agree with Val Boyko about your story. Kenzie, here’s a sophisticated and very moving version of Charlie Chaplin’s song sung by Barbra Streisand:
LikeLiked by 2 people
So true!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Such Courage, and may your smile brighten up not only your own life, but all who see the radiant BEing you are within..
I came via Maries reblog..
Blessings Sue xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Sue Dreamwalker. I appreciate your king words, and thrilled that you found me via a reblog. Blessings to you also.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are most welcome.. 💚
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for this; I’m glad you made it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for reading, and I’m glad I made it too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
When I read the stories of other survivors I realize how strong we are.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Our strength is unfathomable.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes it is. When I think of what we survive I’m in awe.
LikeLiked by 1 person
One should never “command” someone to smile. Such a falseness, a lie. Like putting on a mask, like “never telling” for those with dark secrets at home.
Truly caring is to ask someone why they cannot smile.
Then sit patiently and listen to the reasons why.
The former, a one-way command of spontaneous falseness.
The latter, connectedness.
Your story is another account of the triumph of human spirit.
No matter what happens to us in the now, we must always focus on the next.
May good fortune shine upon you.
Seek peace,
Paz
LikeLiked by 2 people
The man’s prompt was more suggestion than command, and it planted a seed that needed planting.
Thank you for your comments.
LikeLike
It sounds like it had a very positive affect.
And you do have a nice smile!
Best regards,
Pazlo
LikeLiked by 1 person
A moment ago, I thought I replied to this comment, but now, I’m not so sure. Anyway, thank you for the compliment.
I still consider myself a newbie on this site.
LikeLike
Awe, why thank you. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so happy that you have found peace and happiness. All the best for now and the future 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Michele. However, this blog is only a small part of the big picture. Unfortunately, life’s circumstances sent me to the abyss of a CPTSD survivor. As such, I’m plagued by my over-thinking brain. Yes, life is much improved, but the demons return on a regular basis.
All the best to you too, and thanks for reading and commenting.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much for the consciousness-raising. Forcing a smile is just that: forcing. Although, feeling down tends to attract more negative, or so they say. It’s an unfortunate fact of psychology that “there is a limit to human sympathy.” From a textbook. Well, the orange sunshine is creeping through my front window. At least the sun doesn’t discriminate. Nor does the rain. When there seems to be no hope, there’s always the wilderness for you and me to go into and regroup. No, we can’t force a smile. But we have time on our side — usually. In any given day, if you let three hours pass, then the emotion passes as well. You might try this. Just the words of a schizophrenic/alcoholic. Loved the way you skewered us on Ellie’s site.
LikeLiked by 1 person
“Skewered” who on Ellie’s site? Sorry, but I’m not sure what you are referring to. Anyway, the man’s prompt for me to smile wasn’t out of meanness, and I simply took it as a reminder to focus on more pleasant things.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Correction: Serenity site.
LikeLike
I still don’t know what you mean by “skewered”, as I refrain from being aggressive.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I simply pointed out that your comment made hypocrites of those of us blogging. Sorry I misconstrued the intent. It sounded like a cue for us to shut up. It was really me making that observation, after all.
LikeLike
So sorry robgradens that you dis misconstrue my intent with this blog. Never would I prompt anyone to “shut up”.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Understood! It’s my fault, tho. I “jumped to conclusions.” According to Cognitive Therapy, something to be avoided. In this case, I assumed too much. It’s difficult to ascertain others’ attitudes online without these 🙂 Just don’t take the blame yourself, and let’s start afresh. I’m very sorry, having read your story. I was sexually abused at the age of three. I still don’t recall how many times it happened. Got a lot of anger stored up about that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
As victims and survivors, it’s not uncommon to have pent up anger issues. Hope you find a positive outlet for your anger that lessens your load. Best wishes!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hope that encounter and the reflections that it resulted in was a sign that things were about to change. Wishing you a much happier and better life going forward.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Kenzie, I just wanted to point out on my re-blog of ‘SMILE’ that someone called ‘Erik’ has left a comment on my blog that is actually meant for you. It’s the last comment for ease of reference and so, you might like to take a look. I have replied to him, and pointed out that you are the author. Thanks, Marie
LikeLiked by 1 person