THIS ROLLER COASTER IS KILLING ME!

 

The happier days, when I’m at the top of my world, I:

Write

Read

Paint

Golf

Engage

On the days I hang on by my fingernails to keep from sinking into a dismal abyss, I;

Think

Cry

Curse

Recoil

THE UPS AND DOWNS

Climbing to fantastic heights where, all is right with the universe, to plummeting at neck-breaking speed into shattering depths where everything sucks, is not my idea of fun. But, such is the life of one dealing with horrific past traumas.

To travel the path of CPTSD, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is like riding a terrifying roller coaster. A ride I have always despised.

Chug, chug, chug, the gears catch each rung, taking its rider higher toward the stratosphere. At the peak, a brief dramatic pause to drink in the surroundings, the astounding elevation and grasp a breath before being plunged and jerked one way then another toward the cold, hard ground.

As I fight with all my might to find inner tranquility, the strength to fend off negative thoughts, to stay perched at a lofty altitude, something invades to dismantle my calm as surely as a downward coaster car slams my gut into my throat.

 

 

 

“Watch out below, I’m about to upchuck!”

 

 

 

 GOOD DAY ELEMENTS

Even-keeled moments materialize from simple delights (I don’t ask for much).

     Sunshine – Nothing like the sun to begin the day.

  Smiles – Awakening to a friendly face, as well as, smiling yourself.

  Books – I love getting lost in another’s story.

  Relaxation – No intense pressure or demands.

 

BAD DAY FACTORS

The intruders that arrive to upset my zone of pleasantness and break my copacetic view on life come in many forms.

Unkind words – An insensitive comment spoken out of meanness or out of sheer ignorance/thoughtlessness.

Disrespect – A disregard for my beliefs, well-being, property, relationship, and time.

Criticism – A judgment that is insulting, stems from aggression, is non-supportive.

This is a partial list of actions possessing the power to grab me from a place of almost ethereal happiness and nose-dive this being into despairing anguish. The collapse can occur in an instant.

Day in, day out, up/down, I’ve grown increasingly adept at avoiding distressful carnival joy rides. Yet, offenses do develop that hurl me to the sidelines to puke my guts out. After which, I bawl, “Oh, how I hate this.”

No, I don’t care for this unsure adventure much, and it’s a rather lonely, at times debilitating task. A preference exists for a more secure platform, one of grounded stability and peace. One where I smile and laugh on a consistent basis.  To achieve this dream, I initiate the following

CURATIVE STEPS

CREATE – Compose a letter or blog. Keep a diary, put brush to canvas, sing, do whatever you enjoy doing. 

EXERCISE – Work your brain, walk, run, play, and move your body. Such action is stimulating and healthy. 

COMMUNE – Nature is healing and free. Wonder at the beauty surrounding you, the trees, rocks, animals, insects, skies, lakes, mountains, deserts.

 BREATHE – Inhale and exhale with purpose. Fill and expel with intention as in yoga. 

DO GOOD – Volunteer, show an act of kindness.  What you receive in return can be amazing.

SHARE – Spend time with a supporter, someone who understands and accepts you for who you are.

Last, but not the least important,

ACCEPT – Realize other’s weaknesses as well as your own. Here is where the Serenity Prayer comes in handy.

 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

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Leave the thrill seekers to their roller coasters. Spare me. Don’t rocket me to the moon and crash me to despicable depths, as this is one person who prefers a plateau of all things being just right.  Dub me, Ms. Goldilocks.