ETERNAL PAIN

Good grief! Why can’t I purge these thoughts, the agony? Why is forgiveness for myself so impossible?

The imperfect human, I am, I’ve made disturbing, ghastly mistakes while foraging the intersecting and abstract paths of life. A disastrous blunder impacted the most rewarding relationship ever, that of mother and child.

An array of disrupting circumstances drove me to make impulsive, and uninformed decisions, and the tragic results mar my comfortless soul forever.

Ensconced in an unfulfilling marriage, I chose to divorce the father of my children, and in a few months, the bitter man whisked the kids to the opposite side of the country, over 3,000 miles away.  Might as well have been to the moon.

 

 

Inadequate legal representation left me no recourse, and the Super Mom status held while tending to my little darling’s needs evaporated like a drop of water in a hot skillet. In one poof, gone, and my life’s purpose vanished.

At nine and five years of age, my offspring’s memories of Mommy’s loving arms, smiling face, and careful parental guidance, soon waned. With the introduction of a new step-mom, the need for me was no more.

Occasional visitations, but our bonds suffered and faded as I became entangled in a long-term abusive union that further disintegrated the adhesion of mother and son, mother and daughter.

Grown, with kids of their own, though not estranged, our connections are not as this Mama would prefer, but a, “It is what it is,” kind of attitude (one of my daughter’s favorite sayings) is something I attempt to achieve.

In the presence of others, a cheerful expression obscures the anguish simmering below; I wallow in misery and torment wishing for a time machine capable of returning us to those precious days.

Like an insane, relentless itch begging for fingernails to scratch it bloody and raw, again and again. The wound never fully heals.

Counseling, medication, meditation, religious undertaking, forthright communication with my babes, nothing provides relief.

How does one find kindness and compassion for one’s self? How is self-forgiveness realized?